So it's been a long time since I've written. I'm being a slacker which is strange because I NEVER slack (yea..right..)
My whole life I've felt stuck. Stuck somewhere I don't want to be. Now, let me clarify...This statement has nothing to do with my son because being with him is EXACTLY where I want to be..let me put it this way..I just thought I'd have more support. Just like my friend Jenna said to me the other day, "when we were in high school, did you ever dream your life would be like this?" I never thought I'd be struggling like I am at the age of 24 and having to move back in with my parents to save money because the one person who is supposed to help me, appreciate me and love me the right way..just doesn't..that person became selfish once his son was born and it's never been fixed, so I had to make a change.
When I say I feel stuck, I mean that there are so many things I want to do and I feel like there are walls closing in on me and telling me I can't do them. I don't have anyone to motivate me. The way anyone in my family 'motivates' anyone else is by yelling at them to get their point across and this is counting Kingston's father. Yes, I understand that I'm not the cleanest person, but I work 2 jobs and take care of my son when I'm not at work..and I'm pretty sure he'd rather me spend time with him than worry about my room being clean.
I feel depressed, anxious and alone a lot of the time, but Kingston makes that all go away. I watch the show Teen Mom and I see myself in (some of) the girls by the way they feel about their kids..granted they're about 5 or 6 years younger than me, and I commend them on being able to be responsible at such a young age. It's even hard for me at the age of 24, but I love doing it. Just because you love doing something doesn't mean it isn't hard.
I ponder my thoughts a lot. There are so many things I want to do before I die. I want to work at David's Bridal, I want to visit Greece, I want to have enough money to go on a vacation EVERY summer!, I want to write a book, I want to matter in the world. Just by typing that last 'want' makes me cry. I don't know why. I just feel stuck. Stuck at paycheck to paycheck jobs because I don't have a degree and even if I did who's to say that the jobs I got would be one that I enjoy. I don't have much time for myself anymore, which sucks, but I make time for Kingston and that's what matters to me. Kingston will be 1 in May and I have had 1 day that his dad took him for about 4 hours so I could get some stuff done around the house and this was AFTER we stopped living together. I want to de-clutter my life. I want to become more organized and maybe if I did those things, I would be able to see these dreams of mine more clearly!
